My one little word for 2014 is MOVE. As I’ve explained before it’s multi faceted in my life. I need to physically move more, we have to move out of this house this year or i’ll go crazy and there are some things that I need to move on from too. Including a number of friendships.
The question is how do you know when it’s time to stop investing in a friendship? To move on from people who were such a huge part of your life? It’s something that’s been troubling me for the last few months because I know I need to do it, it’s just hard to make that concious decision isn’t it. I know that everyone changes with time and that lives just move apart, but it’s so sad when people you thought were great friends drift away, with no explanation. Especially when they are people you’ve put before others when prioritising your time.
I have friends who if I don’t see for months at a time, it’s like nothing has changed. I have friends who I don’t bat an eyelid about if it takes them 3 weeks to reply to a text (because they don’t worry when I do the same) and I have friends who I know when something huge comes up I can call upon and they’ll be there for me unconditionally. I know I am very lucky with this and it’s been proved in recent weeks with the support I’ve been getting.
But I’ve also spent time in the last few years surrounding myself with people who it turns out are probably the wrong people. They aren’t the ones who I’ve turned to in the last month when I’ve needed to hear a friendly voice or just have a bit of a chat (even the ones who have no idea that I’ve need their help have still made things a little better!) I haven’t turned to them because even though once upon a time they’d have known everything about me I know I’m just not a priority to them any more and whilst it makes me sad and I do miss them, it’s also made me re-evaluate the people that I give my time to and I think that can only be a good thing right?
How do you know when it’s time to move on from people? Is it something that creeps up on you or hits when you realise they aren’t the person you feel you can call for a chat, for a night out, for lunch or a little bit of help any more?
Oh this is such a difficult one and I definitely don't have an answer. Some friendships just run their course don't they? As your lives go in different directions and without a 'right, this friendship's over' moment. As long as you have a good proportion of the first kind in your life, it's all good :o)
M x Life Outside London
Sometimes I think it might be easier if there was a 'break up' but I have a lovely number of the first kind of these people in my life so it is all good. It'd be better if I lived by the sea, but we can't have everything. x
I'm sorry you feel you don't have people in your life who value your friendship because you seem lovely! 🙂 I think some friendships are made for forever, while others come and go because they suit you at a particular time in your life. That isn't necessarily a bad thing, although it can seem hard at the time. The good thing is you've recognised these relationships are no longer good for you, which gives you more energy to focus on the ones that are great. While I wouldn't advocate use of the phrase 'conscious uncoupling', just spend less and less time in touch with these people, until you are sure you are comfortable having no contact at all. x
You are very right. One of the friendships, looking back on it now, was very much a time in our lives one built on parties and jager shots!
And 'concious uncoupling' I love how douchy it sounds. And I've loved the mock uses of it on Twitter recently. x
I can't believe the incredible timing of this post. This has been something which has been hugely affecting me for the past 8 months or so.
I think moving away means that a re-evaluation is needed sometimes. It's just so incredibly sad when someone you were such good friends with decides that they no longer want your friendship anymore. It's like the break up of any relationship – it's horrible and makes you feel so sad. But I've realised this weekend that although all relationships need to be worked on in order to be sustained it shouldn't feel like it's an effort – and sadly with some people it just becomes too exhausting.
Unfortunately there isn't always a point where both people decide it's time to move on. And also does it have to be a "I'm moving on" kind of thing – I think of friendships more as things that you drift in and out of. But for some it's more of a black and white issue.
Either way. It's so so so so sad.
Moving does sometimes exasperate these things doesn't it. You either make more time for texts and chats and visits or things just drift. I hope you've got some of the first kind of these friendships in your life after your move. x
This is something I've really been thinking about recently, as my once-best friend seems to be steering us into frenemy territory and I just don't want to be involved in that kind of thing. It's too exhausting to always be on edge, wondering if I've said or done the 'wrong' thing or whether she will take offence at something. I think sometime i's better to just walk away from a friendship that's past it's expiry date. But it's hard, and sad, to do so in practice.
Ooooh, our dog walking friend is just like that. If I haven't text back by a certain time, or can't make our usual saturday jaunt she takes such offence and I don't see her for weeks. It's just so draining isn't it. Hope you figure something out with this friend. x
I'm with Angel in the North! Lots and lots of love xxxxxx
You should know I'm only keeping you around because of your great taste in paint and your cute little man! Love you. xx
Moving countries really made me learn who my real friends are, i've even had the "well you live near Detroit" excuse for not visiting to they get pissy if I don't text or email back within a couple of days yet they take months to reply. I don't know, I get a bit cynical since university and how friendship just fade away.
Oh, those university friendships – they are so flimsy sometimes aren't they. Built on smirnoff ices and club nights. A few have survived, but randomly they are the ex girlfriends of my male housemates, or randoms that just drifted into my life!
It must be really tough moving countries. How has making friends in America been? x
I can completely identify with this! My perspective on friendships completely changed after a slightly hideous hen weekend. I've stopped caring what those people think, stopped making an effort to get involved in their activities, and started to focus on other, newer, friends instead. To be honest, there's already a couple of my newer friends who I could call if I needed to, and I certainly couldn't say that with the people I'm leaving behind.
Sometimes all it takes is one of those weekends isn't it. So glad that there are people that you can replace the ones you're leaving behind with. x
What a cracking post – I spend a lot of time thinking about just who I'm surrounding myself with as I honestly think it is one of the most important things for a happy life. I class my real friends in the same way you do, that you can not talk for ages but as soon as you see each other it is like you were never apart. Those that I find drifting away I'll often not notice it, and they're the ones who I don't mind not seeing. The less bothered I am, the less reason I have to keep in contact! x
I guess that's true – once you find yourself not noticing it's been months since your last contact, I guess it's easier to make that break isn't it. x
I'm struggling with this at the moment. I think one of the things I have found lately is that with so many of my friends having children the things I am dealing with seem less important to them as kids are not involved. I totally get that, but… I miss them. Simple as that. I totally get why I'm not a priority but it still makes me sad. Am working hard now on finding new people but those people I had so much history with are impossible to replace too. No idea how to handle this but I get it.
I decided to call time on my friendship with one of my best friends from university, I guess we started drifting apart when she went on her placement year and I went on to do my final year(we were on the same course) and we didn't see each other very often.When she returned for her final year it just became impossible to get her to meet me, baring in mind she was in my home city pretty much every day, apparently inviting me to meet up for lunch was too much for her. So I cut the cord, didn't tell her why or anything, not sure how long before she noticed either, anyway I've not been in contact with her ever since and that's 18 months ago now and almost 2 years since I saw her last. She saw our mutual friend last year and told her she doesn't know what happened with me, our friend told me that I should get in contact with her but for me it was too late and I didn't want to be hurt any more. I'd be lying if I didn't say that I miss her at times but our lives became too different and our common ground that was university was long gone.It was hard to cut the cord with my once best friend but I couldn't stand the hurt any more and it really did lift a weight off my mind
Gemma